THINGS HE WILL NEVER TELL YOU

 A man's mouth is like the back of an armored truck. They like to keep the door to our thoughts closed, locked, and protected by armed guards.

 

Why? Simply because they fear what trouble would spill out if you knew all of their inner thoughts. They fear you'd think if they were too frank, they fear for their safety (there's no correct way to answer a question that includes the words "fat" or "tummy tuck"). Inside, you'll see the very things your guys will never tell you about YOU! And they are....

 

1. He finds your best friend/sister/mom attractive.  If you think she’s pretty, he probably does too. He also wants to avoid a fight about it not mattering how ~*~*~cHiLL~*~*~ you are because it really does mean nothing to him. But yes, she's pretty.

 

2. He’s scared of spiders. He’s going to suck it up and kill that giant spider that got into the room even though it freaks him out. What is that thing? A Brown Recluse? Definitely gonna be your fault if he gets paralyzed from the venom.

 

3. He’s scared of the future. Making a five-year plan is scarier than spiders, but only marginally scarier.

4. He has no idea what he’s doing. Is the furnace broken? Yeah, he'll go down there and bang around on the pipes with a wrench in one hand while he Googles “how to fix a furnace” on his phone. There! Fixed.

5. If you’ve gained weight. He will never touch this one. No matter how many ways you phrase, “I think I need to lose weight,” he will change the subject. He will start a house fire just to avoid the subject.

6. If he’s not that into your hobbies. You two probably have a lot in common, but there are definitely one or two things he does just because it makes you happy. He will sit there and get excited about Scandal with you, and he will take his hatred for it to his grave.
 

7. He loves some of the things you hate. Sure, he was all about taking a stand and boycotting McDonald’s with you for the sake of solidarity after you watched Super Size Me. He also sometimes sneaks a Big Mac at work. It tastes like two all-beef patties, special sauce, cheese, pickles, onions, and tears.

8. How he really feels about your family. If he doesn't like something about your family, you'll never know it. Unless your mom tried to stab him because he wouldn’t take off his gang colors in her house or something.