Why does he get to be the Big Man on Campus, while you're called the Head Bitch? The words used at school and in the office can hold you back. So change them.
It was the moment on the 2008 campaign trail
that went viral long before Texts From Hillary. In South Carolina, a
woman asked Republican presidential candidate John McCain about his
opponent, Hillary Clinton. "How do we beat the bitch?" she asked, to
chuckles all around. McCain replied, "That's an excellent question!"
Clinton had heard it all before. Whether she was deemed too ambitious
to appeal to voters or not experienced enough for the Oval Office, the
woman who could yet be president was — and remains — a case study in the
way we use language to reinforce stereotypes.
Most people don't think much about language. It flows
out of our mouths, and sometimes we regret the words later. And yet when
it comes to getting more women into leadership roles, our words matter. Language reflects the cultural beliefs of a particular moment in
time. So calling Hillary a bitch — or even referring to
her as Hillary (why do we think we're on a first-name basis?) — tells us
something about the way we perceive women in power ... and whether we
think they're supposed to be there.
After her bid for mayor of New York City, Christine Quinn was
described in exit polls as "bossy," "petty," "mean," "self-interested,"
and "combative." Jill Abramson, the first-ever woman to head The New York Times, was described in a Politico profile
as "condescending," "stubborn," "uncaring," "not approachable,"
"brusque," and "impossible." From Madeleine Albright ("bossy") to Ruth
Bader Ginsburg (called a bitch by her law-school classmates), women in
power have long been punished for exhibiting qualities of
assertiveness.
But how many fewer women will decide they want to be president,
mayor, or editor after seeing how people treat these women? Studies
confirm that girls avoid leadership for fear they'll be labeled bossy.
And as a woman climbs the corporate ladder, the data shows that men and
women like her less. Even if the woman in question is confident enough
to shrug off being called a bitch, the name-calling changes how everyone
else perceives her. These words are destructive because they
communicate a negative image of the leader. If you're
running for office, in the running for a job, or even trying to
negotiate a raise at work, people having a positive image of you is
fundamental.
Call it the ABCs of the office: Aggressive, assertive, angry. Bossy, brusque, bitch. Cold, calculating, careerist.
These are the words we use to describe women who assert power. And they are totally different from the words for men with the same characteristics. Women faint; men pass out. She's aggressive; he's assertive. When a female boss makes a demand at work, she's bossy. But when a man does it, he's strong and decisive. A woman leader is bossy — the man is simply a leader.
So it is that reporters declare Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer "crazy" and
"too tough," while Amazon's Jeff Bezos is "audacious" and "determined," a
"rare leader who obsesses over finding small improvements." (In female
terms: micromanager.) Justice Sonia Sotomayor, according to The New York Times, "has a blunt and even testy side," while Antonin Scalia is "colorful" and "provocative."
Lurking behind this language are deep-rooted expectations about how
we expect men and women to behave. Women are sensitive, nurturing,
communal — mothers, not leaders. Men are the opposite.
A study at Rice University crystallizes how this double standard
plays out at work. Researchers conducted an analysis of letters of
recommendations for male and female candidates for junior faculty jobs.
All had equal qualifications, yet the letters described the women as
"helpful," "kind," and "sympathetic." Men were "confident" and
"outspoken." The women were less likely to get hired. They "were seen as
being pushovers, not somebody to run a program," said the authors. Had
they exhibited the confidence required to run a program, you can imagine
what they'd have been called.
"It creates an impossible double standard: lead, but don't lead too
hard. Be feminine, but not too feminine," says Facebook COO and Cosmo Careers editor Sheryl Sandberg. "How can we achieve equality if we discourage the very qualities that help a woman get ahead?"
The solution is to talk about how we talk. As Sandberg unveils in her
editor's letter, that's the idea behind Ban Bossy, the campaign from LeanIn.org and
the Girl Scouts to highlight the way language dwarfs the leadership
ambitions of women and girls. So we can recognize loaded words when we
hear them ... and call them out.
We all share responsibility for the way we use language. We can all look at the way we describe other people.
And if you
hear yourself described in a way that makes you flinch, ask the person
this: Would you describe a man that way?
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